There once was a lady named Cager,
Who as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The entire oboe part
Of Mozart's quartet in F-major.
There was a Young Lady whose chin
Resembled the point of a pin:
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
A Scot from Ben Lomoxs
There was a young Scot from Ben Lomoxs,
Whose nose was as a long as a muskox's,
While crossing the street,
He tripped over his feet,
And speared a cop in the buttoxs.
A Barmaid from Sale
On the chest of a barmaid from Sale,
was tatooed all the prices of ale,
whilst on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was precisely the same, but in brail.
Man from Tycoon
There was a young man from Tycoon,
Who took a lesbian up to his room,
They argued all night
As to who had the right,
To do what, with what, and to whom.
Collected Limericks
There was a young lady of Maine
who was horribly sick on the train.
Not once, I maintain,
but again and again
and again and again and again!
There was a young man from Darjeeling
who got on a bus bound to Ealing.
It said at the door:
Don't spit on the floor!
So he carefully spat on the ceiling.
There was a young lady called Lynn
who was so uncommonly thin
that when she essayed
to drink lemonade
she slipped through the straw and fell in.
There was an old fellow named Green
who grew so abnormally lean,
and flat, and compressed,
that his back squeezed his chest,
and sideways he couldn't be seen.
There once was a small child named Guy
who never could understand why
a cow was a cow,
and he used to say: «How
do you know that it isn't a fly?»
There was a young man who said: why
can't I look in my ear with my eye?
I think I can do it
if I put my mind to it.
You never can say till you try!
There was an old man in Peru
who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up with a fright
in the middle of night
and found it was actually true!
There was a young man in Peru
who found he had nothing to do.
So he sat on a chair
and counted his hair
and found he had seventy-two.
There was a young lady from Riga
who fancied a ride on a tiger.
They came back from the ride
with the lady inside
and a smile on the face of the tiger.
There was an old man from the coast
who placidly sat on a post.
But when it got cold
he relinquished his hold
and called for some hot buttered toast.
To a gentleman entering Heaven
St. Peter said: «Dinner's at seven,
breakfast at eight,
don't mind if you're late,
there's bisquits and milk at eleven.»
There was an old man who said: «Well,
will nobody answer this bell?
I've pulled day and night
till my hair has grown white,
but nobody answers this bell!»
There was a young lady of Datchet
who chopped off her nose with a hatchet.
When her friends asked her why,
she made this reply:
«I'm no longer tempted to scratch it.»
There was an old man of Blackheath
who sat on his set of false teeth.
Said he, with a start:
«Oh Lord, bless my heart,
I've bitten myself underneath!»
There was a young lady of Bandon
whose feet were too narrow to stand on.
So she stood on her head,
«For my motto,» she said,
«has always been Nil desperandum.»
There was an old lady of Brooking
who had a great genius for cooking.
She could bake sixty pies,
all quite the same size,
and tell which was which without looking.
A young man while dining at Crewe
found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter: «Don't shout
or wave it about
or the rest will be wanting one too.»
An anarchist once lived in Ealing,
in explosives the fellow was dealing.
Through a little mishap
he just vanished, poor chap,
but there still are some spots on the ceiling.
A man from the village of Gwydyr
met another man's wife and preferred her.
He considered divorce
too expensive a course,
so he had to fall back upon murder.
A cat in despondency sighed,
and resolved to commit suicide.
She passed under the wheels
of eight automobiles,
and after the ninth one she died.
There was once a lady of Guam
who said: «Now the sea is so calm,
I'll swim out, for a lark.»
But she met a large shark.-
Let us now sing the Ninetieth Psalm.
There was a young fellow from Fife
who had a big row with his wife.
He lost half his nose,
two thirds of his toes,
one ear, seven teeth — and his life.
'Tis a favourite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it's simpler, you see,
than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.
A Romanian rhymer I met
used a system he based on roulette.
His reliance on chance
was a definite advance,
and yet, and yet, and yet...
(from the play Travesties by Tom Stoppard)
There was a young man who said: «God
must think it exceedingly odd
that a thing like this tree
can continue to be
when there's no one about in the quad.»
«Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd: | 
